There's something that's been getting to me for a while. It started at AGC (Adorable Game Company) where I work when our CEO had a re-org and a new way the company is supposed to work. The re-org was after a major release, and he wanted to focus on certain areas of the game in order to make our player base happier.
The new way the company is supposed to work made my role sound a bit ...stupid. Any number of people don't think that it's true, but production leadership was also cast adrift, and it wasn't helpful for the rest of the game producers. During 3 months of not knowing how shitty to feel, right around and after the holidays which are coincidentally the worst months in the Pacific Northwest if you have any SAD at all.
So I took up the ukulele and I started learning to draw again, I studied some Unity tutorials, and I held myself more accountable for quitting bad habits and resurrecting good ones like bodyweight lifting for fitness.
But the issue remains. In my job, I create nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I produce teams as a producer. There are artifacts of running a team, a mishmash of schedules, JIRA, and agile methodologies. But I don't actually make things. Digital or otherwise. Avocational creation-oriented activities aren't satisfying when I'm surrounded by intelligent people who create smart and beautiful things full time, and who get to design and argue and code creative solutions, and I have nothing persistent to show for my time at AGC. I can see value that I add, but I don't want to add value. I want to add things. I want to have that "I did this" moment.
This feeling used to be easy to ignore when I was busy and being challenged, but now even with new challenges the siren call of freedom from corporate is in harmony with the self-doubt that tells me I do nothing because I make nothing - even though I know it's not true. I want to make something, just to make it, and giving my creative endeavors the tattered and dusty scraps of brainpower and willpower remaining after a long day at the office with a commute simply does not cut it.
I know I'm sitting at the top of Maslow's pyriamid and kvetching about my creativity options and independence being slightly off. Poor little V, she isn't getting self-actualization in ALL the areas that make her brain buzz with happiness.
Previously, I'm pretty sure I was able to ignore when this happened by switching jobs. My pursuit of financial independence also helped, since it was a huge goal and the journey consumed me, while still being 'easy' enough on my higher functions to do after a long day. And as long as we're all being self-aware here, I haven't been in any specific job for even 3 years since I started working. Now is about the time when I start to zone out during meetings, stare out the window more, and regret not doing more to be my creative self.
I create nothing. Is this the beginning of the end for my job?