Retirement, Week 2

June 16, 2017 was my last day of work at a beautiful place. I'm thinking about it less frequently. This past week I discovered that not only are 2/3 of my t-shirts black, which is terrible in hot and sunny weather, but 2/3 of my t-shirts are from my old company, and I don't want to wear them right now, it's too fresh.

However, the bitterness of a bittersweet departure has gradually faded, probably thanks to such ridiculous things as Facebook and texts, where my coworkers are still showing their presence in my life. The convenience of social media, even if I'm checking it less than I would at work, cannot be overlooked.

Life still feels like a long vacation at the moment, and I'm guessing another week or two will get me to summer vacation boredom, although I'm hesitant to assume I understand that feeling any longer. It has been at least 16 years since my last summer off, after all.

I've been unable to stop myself from writing a bit, so I'm optimistic about intrinsic motivation preventing my Netflix couch potato-dom. We shall see!

Retirement, Day 1

It's actually day 3. But it's the first real day. The first Monday. Right now it feels like I've just taken the day off, although now and then I get a little sniffly thinking of my coworker buddies I don't get to see every day anymore. My ex-workplace is great in so many ways and I have a number of people I need to keep seeing. Hopefully they'll still want to hang, and work wasn't the only thing we had in common.

Today is bittersweet with a side of turkey bacon. I miss everyone already, but I'm looking forward to the detox, catching up on entertainment, and hopefully writing a lot more.

The Glacial Pace of Progress

With my pending departure from the working world, I've been thinking about the direction of my life through my not-long career.

Eleven years ago, I was pretty sad about not being quite good enough at linear algebra in code to be a graphics programmer, but excited about all the money I'd be making at Microsoft.
Or 9 years ago, when I had paid off my student loans and decided that I didn't want to work for a living until I was 60, and then be a tourist.

And 8 or so years ago, when I started doing productive things inside of work to get where I wanted to be and aggressively reading those cliche classics like The 7 habits of highly effective people alternating with books about how to become a CEO in the shortest time possible by climbing the ladder. A big, aggressive company that is very supportive of type-As will do that to you.

Or even 2 years ago, when I started intentionally trying to do productive things outside of work that would move me in a direction I wanted outside of work.

The 11 years ago me? Didn't know that I'd move on to become a game producer at a AAA studio in only 7.5 years. In fact, here at 11 years, I'm senior staff. People actually value my advice. But 11 years ago? Nothing could move fast enough. I hated what I was doing, coding for an aggressive company as an SDET. A lot of time was wasted feeling sorry for myself and wishing things could be otherwise.

The 8 years ago me had to hope for this year, the year I'm finally not dependent on an employer for my income, in order to make it through another work day. I had to dream hard being CEO, about there being some sort of hope, and convince myself that's what I might want just to handle the in-between. But 8 years later, here I am retiring and going to do whatever I want.

And 2 years ago I drew people's faces as a circle with eye-shaped eyes and a triangle minus one line nose and nostrils were so difficult and now? Well I'm still not any good but at least I'm not drawing cheesy 4th-grade icons to fill up faces. And I can kind of play some ukulele!

And it's different when it's you. Progress is glacial. But the you in a year? Or 2 years? Or 10 years? Will be so far beyond the you now, that it's impossible to imagine. Whereas the you in 10 years that fantasized the whole time will be exactly like the you now. What do you want to be, right now? And what are you doing to achieve it?

Real progress is seen in months and years, but gained moment to moment.

7.5 years, aftermath

It's been quite a while since I left the Redmond Software Giant for greener pastures, or at least video games-ier pastures.

Looking at my wise learnings and advice to myself from my time at Microsoft and myself now, I have to say that humans are a tiny bit inclined to make the same mistakes on the hamster wheel of life, even if they are being given good advice by somebody who is, if I say so myself, not un-smart. It's our nature to stick to habits because they're comfortable, even if they aren't very good for us, and creating a new habit is hard. Recognizing an old one and killing it is even harder.

And so, reflections on the learning and lessons to myself, that I hope anyone could benefit from:

• Keep forming friendships with people you don't work with directly.
• You still have a right to discuss your salary, but no one wants to. 
• Keep up to date on the office gossip, but try not to add to it.
• Company review systems are much less important than you think.
• Keep loving the company or shut up. No one wants to hear you badmouth your old employer.
• Don't burn bridges. If you do, hope that you're forgotten.
• Still try to know people who aren't the majority type. 
• Nothing is personal, but maybe it should be. Let's stop calling people 'resources', eh?

Producing Things

There's something that's been getting to me for a while. It started at AGC (Adorable Game Company) where I work when our CEO had a re-org and a new way the company is supposed to work. The re-org was after a major release, and he wanted to focus on certain areas of the game in order to make our player base happier.

The new way the company is supposed to work made my role sound a bit ...stupid. Any number of people don't think that it's true, but production leadership was also cast adrift, and it wasn't helpful for the rest of the game producers. During 3 months of not knowing how shitty to feel, right around and after the holidays which are coincidentally the worst months in the Pacific Northwest if you have any SAD at all.

So I took up the ukulele and I started learning to draw again, I studied some Unity tutorials, and I held myself more accountable for quitting bad habits and resurrecting good ones like bodyweight lifting for fitness.

But the issue remains. In my job, I create nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I produce teams as a producer. There are artifacts of running a team, a mishmash of schedules, JIRA, and agile methodologies. But I don't actually make things. Digital or otherwise. Avocational creation-oriented activities aren't satisfying when I'm surrounded by intelligent people who create smart and beautiful things full time, and who get to design and argue and code creative solutions, and I have nothing persistent to show for my time at AGC. I can see value that I add, but I don't want to add value. I want to add things. I want to have that "I did this" moment.

This feeling used to be easy to ignore when I was busy and being challenged, but now even with new challenges the siren call of freedom from corporate is in harmony with the self-doubt that tells me I do nothing because I make nothing - even though I know it's not true. I want to make something, just to make it, and giving my creative endeavors the tattered and dusty scraps of brainpower and willpower remaining after a long day at the office with a commute simply does not cut it.

I know I'm sitting at the top of Maslow's pyriamid and kvetching about my creativity options and independence being slightly off. Poor little V, she isn't getting self-actualization in ALL the areas that make her brain buzz with happiness.

Previously, I'm pretty sure I was able to ignore when this happened by switching jobs. My pursuit of financial independence also helped, since it was a huge goal and the journey consumed me, while still being 'easy' enough on my higher functions to do after a long day. And as long as we're all being self-aware here, I haven't been in any specific job for even 3 years since I started working. Now is about the time when I start to zone out during meetings, stare out the window more, and regret not doing more to be my creative self.

I create nothing. Is this the beginning of the end for my job?

Train of thought on the internet

Glimpsing Atlas Shrugged on a redditor's bookshelf in a decluttering post. Looking up the book summary, knowing that it's libertarian (or Objectivist? Whatever) but not much else, and it feels really familiar.
Like, really familiar.
Remembering this old Sword of Truth series I read. Turns out, the plots are scary similar over the long run, and people know this. It's neat to learn things you didn't really think about before.

Geeky flash read: Seveneves by Neal Stephenson

I can't not read a palindrome-titled book by an author I follow.

Apocalypse and distant descendants. Some good fun what-ifs, which is all I need in sci-fi. I could have done with more exciting space travel time, but that's an addiction I have.

The level of scientific goodness was fairly high. The plot moved a bit quickly when narrowing things down towards the end of the "modern" era after dragging the apocalypse out.

If you're a slow reader, wait until you can renew your checkout at the library, this book is hefty. But a fun read.

What I'm reading (online)

Some of the many places I regularly read from these days:

• Mr. Money Mustache
• Raptitude
• Go Curry Cracker
• Financial Samurai
• Anything posted on Rockstar finance
• Seth Godin
• Geek feminism
• The oatmeal
• reddit.com/r/financialindependence
• xkcd
• gamasutra
• indexed
• wait but why

I'm enjoying  aggregator blog sites that take the best of what's around and post it for me. This seems like a sound way to get people clicking through your site. Geek feminism does it regularly, and rockstar finance exists only to aggregate other content from what I can tell.

Of course, there are probably quite a few that aren't any good at all :)

What else should I read?

Fuck stuff

Every now and then, the slow but steady "don't burn yourself out" 15 minutes every couple of days of removing useless shit just doesn't work. You've re-reduced again and again and there's that one little thing you just can't do for each space you have.

A pair of ridiculous pants. They still make you smile though.

Craptastic incandescent light bulbs in a box, that you've replaced and never intend to buy the like of again. City of Seattle will take them in the trash, "but they still work!" Who wants to waste their hard-earned money paying for all that extra electricity?

Desk drawers that you had nearly empty last year. But the top of your desk is finally clear, what can you do?

Books you never intend to read, or in some cases never intend to read again. But they're from family and you just know that someone would keep them, because other people have many shelves of books.

Stuffed animals full of memories (and dust. they kind of smell!)

Which ones will end up going?

7.5 Years

This was written in December 2013!

Due to the limits of my lifespan, I've only lived in a couple of places for over 5 years, let alone worked at them. And yet, I find myself having worked at Microsoft for about 7.5 years. This is a lot of time to some people, and very little to company-man careerists who stayed in one company for 25 years.
I am leaving for ArenaNet to try being a technical producer instead of a publishing producer. I'm terrified and hopeful. All normal job stuff.

Things I learned: 

• (large company) Form friendships with people you don't work with directly. If you have to make an effort to see them now, you're more likely to later when you leave.
• No matter what you sign, you have a right to discuss your salary. See "sec. 7".
• (Microsoft specific) Sort your email with rules. And then, once a quarter, sort your sorting. Get off of noisy distribution groups, delete irrelevant email rules, and clean that shit up. It's a mess when you finally leave anyway, but you can mitigate this. So many DGs and SGs. :)
• (Microsoft specific) Read mini-msft but never ever comment. It's frequently cynical, often not applicable to your group, and quite dated.  That said, I've read all of the posts and I started reading them before I worked at Microsoft. I don't find that the blog aligns with my experiences within the company, but I can sometimes tell who does when I meet them and that in itself is valuable. 
• Spend a bit of time with the company review system, whatever it is. At the least it will provoke conversations with your boss about what you can do to progress. 
• Hard work should be rewarded, but hard work and a little visibility is much more likely to be rewarded. If you have a boss who rewards hard work, 
• Love the company. Microsoft, especially, is fucking amazing. Not so hard, see?
• Don't burn bridges. You leaving is about YOU. For example "I would like to try another company, specifically a game dev, as I have never done this thing before. I have also never really worked anywhere but Microsoft." This is my genuine reason for leaving. Anything negative is probably temporary and stupid to mention. Avoiding working at Microsoft ever again? Fine, but you can still be nice.
  If something terrible is part or all of your reason for leaving, then make something boring up, like "I would like to take my career in a new direction." You can silently fill in the "A new direction not full of assholes" if you like. Silently.
  Shh. ;)
• (large company) Get to know some of the majority type at your company (eg. white dudes are the majority type in many software companies in the USA). And don't be disingenuous just to fit in, it doesn't work. Luckily I love beer and pizza. But I never pretend to love sports.
• Try to know more non-majority-types than majority types.
• Nothing is personal at work, even though it feels like it is. If you are taking something too personally and turning red or about to yell, it is ok to work from home because you're not feeling well. Because, hey, you aren't.

The journey ahead will reveal a lot about whether any of this is applicable anywhere else.

Last Night in Montreal: Emily St. John Mandel

About travel, what drives us to travel, and memories.
An ephemeral lover flits across North America and brings her life full circle to where she began.

Told from the sad perspective of a boyfriend.

Quick, a bit thought provoking and a very mild shock at the end. Don't regret checking it out and spending a couple of hours on the read!

Sway: The irresistible pull of irrational behavior, Ori Brafman and Ron Brafman

Another Freakonomics-style book, this one looks at why people do some very silly things. Taking off in a plane in dangerous circumstances, ignoring a concert violinist because he plays on the subway, and a number of other strange things that our brain does to us.
Particularly interesting was the section on how our expectations of someone or something tend to make that person react to our expectations... by meeting them in one way or another.

I liked the book, as I like most mass-market science with simple white covers and one-word titles. :) A fun read.

Dust by Elizabeth Bear

Rien is trapped in a medieval world, scrubbing floors and waiting on people in a palace, until the demon/angel arrives. Except she's not trapped in a medieval world.

I'm going to be reading the second book, Chill, as soon as the library can get it to me (and I get through my stack of 12 the rest of the way).

That should be indication enough. Very refreshing sci fi with a fantasy tone throughout, but stays true to the genre (more or less - less AI explanation makes it seem more like magic), and shows what happens to a seed ship gone wrong when a religious cult happens to be on board.

Great use of female and neuter characters in addition to the normal male ones, although the (highly unusual in s/f) negative gender stereotyping of men was very odd to me.

Quick thoughts on "The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake" by Aimee Bender

Could have been in the sci fi section. Very readable and weird. I liked it.

The main character, Rose, can taste people's feelings through cake. She has a father who avoids hospitals and a very strange brother. It's a bit hard to follow if you can't suspend your disbelief a bit, probably.

Very nice, very quick. Might read her other book.

Tad Williams "The Dragonbone Chair"

Long.
Epic.

Decent fantasy read for the summer. Working on book 2 now. Some characters are less interesting to me than others. More Simon, less everyone else please :)

Dogs up in my face

Finally this weekend Hana had enough attention, and went and lay in her donut bed. She used to never want to touch us, and she would lie 5-8 feet away at all times on the carpet somewhere, although she'd throw a fit if she couldn't see us.

These past couple of weeks whenever I'm sitting, she tries to jump up and then she sits on me. Or stands on me. Or once, crawls up my shoulder and tries to sit on that (21 pound dog, shoulder does not work). Its very cute, but its been a bit warm out and I'm unhappy with it.

This week she finally had enough. But apparently Kiba has been feeling neglected, because he has been laying next to me on the couch for periods of time greater than 5 seconds (he cannot hold still normally).

I cannot win! Dogs in the face!

Mini Geeky thoughts: Blood Oath by Christopher Farnsworth

What fun!
Lots of suspense, and the vampires don't want to have sex with the food (refreshing ;) ).

If you are teenage girl who loves vampires, you probably won't like this book, for that reason. Which is a good thing. Vampires have been destroyed these days. Sigh!

Good read, lots of fun and suspense and people dying, and there's even some other undead.

Old Game Review Haiku: Tales of Vesperia

Could not stop cooking.
Had to cheat for recipe tips.
Oh JRPGs.

Seriously though, I thought of it today, played it over a year ago, and miss that shiny pretty animation.

So sweet!

Quick thoughts on a book: The Other Boleyn Girl (Philippa Gregory)

Fun, scandalous. A lot more about Anne Boleyn than I ever needed to think about, and her sister Mary is made much more likeable through this particular historical fiction.

Good summer reading! But a bit scandalous.

Geeky quick review? Robin Hobb's Dragon Keeper

Disgusting dragons? Who'd have thought.
Waiting to see what happens to the humans who have been mutating, and to see if the dragons ever grow enough to do what dragons should do.

Fairly exciting, a little confusing. Fun fantasy read.